Tuesday, April 2, 2013

My essay for the month. Its a long one.

I have been thinking the last few weeks about how I act towards others. I have a really bad habit of being rather rude or disrespectful in some of the things that I say to others. I am not sure what the exact cause or "root" of this problem is but I would like to fix it. I grew up in one Stake of my church for almost all of my life. Because I was home schooled, I was, what could be marked as bullied throughout my experience in Primary and Young Women's. I was unable to grasp the concept of why I was being treated the way that I was. I thought that the reason I was bullied for being home schooled was all my fault. I sometimes still feel that way. I don't try too, but I am human and tend to think of it because of how long it lasted. It hurt. I did not express my true feelings to anyone, ever. I kept it all to myself. I hid it from others. My pain and fear of the world. My disrespect and lack of love for myself and conflicting thoughts on the matter. I never sought out help. I did not know what to do or say. I was completely alone during that time. I still hide myself from others because I still don't know what to do or say sometimes I don't try too. It just happens. I lived in UT for 9 months and loved it. But it was not until the last few months there that I was able to completely open up to someone. She opened up to me on some personal matters and I did to her. We were able to just vent about our lives and the disappointments and anger that we felt for the way we had to live. We were able to become really close from that time we spent together as friends. I was unable to stay in UT for long after I had opened up. We shared so many beliefs and had an understanding of each other that I had not been able to find in anyone before. I am extremely grateful that she was put in my life even for the small time frame that we were roommates. I will never forget her and will always have a special place in my heart just for her for being able to listen and understand me.    I still felt a little sad and angry about what had happened even after I had opened up to her. How could someone just get rid of all the thoughts of their mind that had built up over such a long time. The whole experience lasted about 11 1/2 years give or take. Yeah, that's right. You did not read it wrong. 11 and a half years of hatred and anger towards myself from acts that I did not cause or wish upon myself. That is more than anyone should ever have to deal with and because of the little knowledge that I had on the subject I was unable to get any kind of help for myself. Can you imagine the stress that builds up on ones body and mind from that? It is hard for me to even grasp onto the thought of it too. And it was about me and my life. It was not until after I had graduated from high school that I realized that it had nothing to do with what I could control but rather what I could not control. I could not keep people from hating me or treating me the way that they did because it was far from me. I still have a hard time with what happened then. I had no ability to make it stop. But I am the type of person that has to think things through to find out why it happened. So it is a constant frame of mind for me. Something that I will always carry throughout my life and probably into the next. It is not something that I am supposed to know in this life but, I believe that the true purpose of why I needed that experience will be explained to me later the in eternities. The only good thing that I know came from it is that I have the ability to give my all for people. Throughout the entire ordeal I was always tried to think of how I could help others. Even those who were hurting me. I always wanted to be the better person if I could. I would help clean up after activities and volunteer to help before so that I did not have to hang around those that did not like me. I would talk to the leaders at church and try to block out what was going on around me. I did my best to love others even though I was not receiving it in return. I am grateful that the way I was treated did not effect my standing as a member of The Church. My Church has always been there for me. In my struggles I had Young Women lessons, General Conference, the Temple, some amazing leaders and one Amazing Bishop to guide and help me learn about what I needed to strive for in my life. I have become a better person because of the things that I was able to learn through them. I do not think that I would be a Faithful Member if I did not choose to keep going to church when I was younger and to listen to what was being said. If I had given up then my whole life to this point would be a wreck. I chose to stay close to my beliefs because I knew that there was something better just waiting for me if I sought after it. I am in no way a perfect member of the church but I can stand and say that I will be a witness of Jesus Christ and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Days Saints because I believe the restored Gospel and my Savior to be the truths and good in this life. I believe that everything happens for a reason. That there is a plan that was set forth before we came here to this life.  I believe that we are supposed to learn lessons to help us. Not to bring us down. I have a better understanding of the trials in this life since I was able to reflect of my own life and past experiences. I needed to be molded a certain way for me to be the person I am now. Even if you don't understand why your are in the place that you are now you should know that it is ALL for the bettering of you in this life. The Lord only gives us trials that we can overcome because of our strengths and because He knows us and the desires of our hearts. That is why I grew up the way I did from what I see. I had to be taught things that would otherwise not have been learned throughout my life. Maybe that is one of the reasons that I act the way I do towards others. Because I do not have a full understanding of what happened to me because of the bullying. Because I am unable to hold back sometimes. I hope that I am able to get rid of these thoughts and words that come to play in my life and become a better person through all this. I don't mean any harm or disrespect but I am human and things happen. The only thing that I can do is apologize and ask for forgiveness for the wrongs that I have committed. I apologize if I have hurt anyone of you. I really did not mean to. If you felt that I had said the wrong things but did not apologize know that I love you so much and would never try to intentionally hurt you. I am trying my best right now to be better. I promise. I want to be nicer and a better friend. I am unable to speak the words that fill my head and heart because I get flustered and panic. I go back to old and nasty habits by sheltering myself to get away from what I may have done. I am so sorry for any wrong doings. I love you. Whoever you are reader.
Yep. There is more. -Sorry-

           I want to learn. I want to grow and be the best person that I can throughout the this life and to be able to serve and teach others in the best ways that I can along the way. I want to have a husband that I love more that life itself when the time is right. I want to have a family of my own but I don't want it on my terms. I want it to happen after I have learned my needed lessons so that I am the best person that I can be for my future husband and children. I need to be bent and molded into the right person that my husband will need. That my children will need. Through my hardships and trials that I had for those 11 1/2 years I was able to understand just enough about myself to know that I need to trust in the Lord and in His timing. I wanted to be able to get married before I turned 20 so that I would be closer to starting my own family. That has not happened. The goal that I set to look forward too while I dealt with the negative emotions was that one day I would be married in the Temple for time and all eternity. I gave myself a challenge to stay strong in the Gospel so that I would be able to marry my Nephi(prince charming) when the time is right. I have not reached that goal yet but am optimistic for what lies ahead. I am excited to see what the rest of this year has  in plan for me. I wonder if I will meet my future husband. Even if I don't get engaged this year I will be totally ok with just having met him. What if I already know him? Who is it if then? I am curious to know how much older than me he will be. I kinda have a thing for guys that are much older than me. No. You will never be able to change that. I will always like older guys. I love the maturity aspect of it all. Yes, not all guys that are older are mature. But who cares, right? Not everyone is mature after they leave their twenties or even their thirties. We are here to learn right? At least, that is what I thought. Why judge where a person will be later in life off of where they are right now*. So what if they don't want to commit or even date anyone right now. It is not our choice to control their life. Never has it been nor will it ever be. How about whether or not to have children in this life? To get married or not? Your problems? No. People are different in so many ways and to say that you know someone based off of what they told you or what you heard is not always right. People can change in an instant. They could change for the better right after they told you something.Would you want that person to only believe the first thing out of your mouth? We can express that we don't like this or that because we are craving attention or because we need to be loved, we're human for that matter. We are here to learn and better ourselves and if we don't catch the drift now we will later in life. Some people want to get their degree right out of high school and others want to wait and not spend the money or time on school at the moment. It is your right to choose what you feel is best and what is comfortable. It may not be the right choice but it is ultimately up to us on where we step. Be it in the Lord's direction or on our personal path. We should not point fingers at others for their choice. We would not want someone to do the same to us right? I certainly do not want that. I have had enough of that. So, lets play nice and leave me to liking the older guys around this town. K? ;)

Let me sum up the first and second parts of this post.

1st- I gave my input on why I think I act the way I do sometimes.
2nd- I have goals and dreams and don't really care for judging others on what has been said or "heard" from a person(s).

*Yes, I went in a totally different direction than I had first planned but this is my blog and if you don't like it stop reading it. I'm sorry, but I feel that I need to say specific things to my readers for reasons that are unknown to me at this time.

**Yay! The essay is complete. I have given my 2 cents(100 dollars more like) worth for now. Yes, I write a lot. But, I don't always write for myself. It is for the understanding and growth of others. What I can not speak to you in person will be placed on here. If you still choose to read my blog after all I have to write, then thank you for desiring to know what I have to say.

***(By the way. I don't mean to sound harsh but some things need to be said and this is the only way I know how to say it without pointing any fingers directly at someone)
Good morning from me. Have a wonderful week!


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