Wednesday, April 18, 2012


Can I just vent a little? 

So I am a very secretive person. Very secretive. Like, hide my emotions from others to keep them from worrying about me kind of secretive. I didn't try to be secretive. It just happened. Because I wasn't treated the best for being home schooled. I sheltered myself from the world. I kept to myself and tried not to get in anyone's way. I went a little over the top and sheltered myself from my family too. I was having a hard time and didn't tell anyone. I didn't want people to worry about me. I still don't. I would rather help others than myself. Because this went on for over 12 years it is now second nature to hide my true self from others. I can't really stop myself from this vicious circle that entraps me and controls my almost every thought. I believe that I still keep to myself to avoid being questioned. I am afraid of someone saying that I was bad for keeping it all to myself and not even telling my parents that I was hurting. I still am hurting. I hurt all the time. I try to make it go away. It won't. I still get really sad about random things from my past. There are also things that are or are not happening right now that bother me. I have always wanted someone who will just ask me how I am. Not like a quick "How are you?" but a genuine "Are you ok?", "How can I help you?", "Do you want someone to talk to?". I have had really good friends but never someone who would just stop and listen to me. I think I am afraid of them jumping in and talking about what they had to deal with instead of just listening to what I have to say. A lot of people just jump in when I try to speak. I don't understand why it is so hard to just be quite and listen. I can sit with a group of people and listen to everyone and catch almost everything that is said. I really can. I have noticed that people don't really want to get to know me. They just want to pass their time until someone better comes along. I have stood in groups and had all the girls talk with each other and not ask me anything. Not even a simple how are you doing. It's really hard to stay strong emotionally when no one wants to show that they care. I could probably be studied for years because of how I feel. Is there anyone who truly wants to know the deep dark secrets of my life? Anyone? I have so much to say but can't because I don't feel like I can trust anyone. I have a hard time telling girls my secrets because of how loosely they talk of other's secrets. I hear of all these problems that were not supposed to be talked about. They still tell. I have never heard a guy share a buddy's secrets with others. Why do they have more respect for what someone has told them in confidence? Why can't girls just be true and keep it a secret? It is really not that hard to keep things that people tell you in trust from others. Really. It's not.
I am sorry for venting so. I just couldn't keep it to myself.
Maybe I want to get married so badly so I can trust someone with my all. I want to cry to someone who wants me to tell everything that is bottled up. All that I went through. Everything I feel and have hidden from myself and others. I want someone to love me. I have never really experienced what it is like to have someone of the opposite sex who is not related love me. I see all these girls with guys that just adore them and want to know what that are thinking. What he thinks of her. Can I just get a little snippet of their thoughts? Please? Just to help me understand a little better for when I see more couples that are so close and love each other so. Just a little would be ok with me.

Just breath.

Maybe it isn't the best to vent via blog post but I feel a lot better knowing that someone or many know of a little part of my thoughts.

I am done now. You can go back to whatever you were doing.

Happy spring by the way. Flowers are all over. New buds on the trees and all bulbs in bloom. So pretty.